So it’s Easter Sunday and I think I’ve spoken to people on five occasions in the last week and a half. I’m sitting in my flat again on my own and feeling lonely, torn in all different directions, not sure what to start on first, thinking everyone else I know is with their families or friends, if not having a perfectly lovely time (I’m not that delusional) then at least having some company! This is why I’m going travelling. It can’t possibly be any more lonely than being here!
My parents will say I should’ve gone to see them. Would’ve loved to. But my sister is there (unusually) and I don’t have a good relationship with her so I’d rather avoid her: I’d only end up bottling up all the deep-seated things she makes me feel and coming away feeling angry at her lack of compassion for me and unwillingness to really communicate!
There’s no-one else obvious to contact directly to specifically ask if they’re free, especially when I’ve epically-failed to respond to people in the last few months, and if I put on facebook that I’m lonely and is anyone free then I’ll only get pity which I don’t want either… argh!
I’ve been signed off work since last Thursday, after trying to get my unfathomable boss to significantly lighten my workload now that I’ve handed in my notice and being met with basically a response of ‘no’. I’d been having sleepless nights and panic attacks and headaches, and the way my brain is programmed means that when I’m that overloaded with work I’m engrossed in it. I can’t switch off, and my brain literally hurts and I don’t want to plough straight into trip-planning cos then I’ll associate those stress feelings with the trip…
Sometimes I think I’m a lost cause! Frequently!
My doctor obviously thought I could benefit from a break from work and I agree. I’ve spent some of the time trying to relax and get rid of the tension in my neck and shoulders, and sleep! I’ve watched a film or two, hadn’t done that in quite a long while, for a bit of escapism. I’ve finally seen a couple of those neglected friends, and gone for a walk even though it’s still freezing cold at the end of March. I’ve procrastinated over contacting the other friends… a lot. I’ve tried to look after myself and eat enough and tidy my flat a bit.
I’ve also managed to do some trip-planning, hurray! Which is a bloody good job, because I’m running it very close indeed with some of the deadlines for things!